Human Chess Game

Be Careful of your placement on the game board.

There is a strategy to scheduling a first date that has nothing to do with your availability.   By my age, most have figured this out.  I am just now getting it. 

I never understood a friend of mine’s rule of no first dates on the weekend nights.  The way she explains it is that she works all week long and only has two nights on the weekend to do what she wants and have fun and she will not schedule a first date on one of those nights.  Why not?  I don’t understand.  Seems like that would be so much fun.   I am really excited to get out there and meet new people and do something fun with someone new. 

In her mind, first dates are not guaranteed to be fun. In fact, she said that they can be downright painful.  There’s too much pressure to “have fun” and with weekend night dates, people get over ambitious and locked in.  Instead she schedules after work drinks or Saturday afternoon coffee get-togethers.  That way, she can talk to the guy, meet him in person in a no pressure situation and there’s a limited time frame.  Both parties can enjoy their drinks/coffees and then if it’s going well, you find something else to do, if not….you run like hell and don’t look back.  Then you have a good story to tell to your friends when you go out to have actual fun on Saturday night.  She had a lot of input into this paragraph and even sent me a little disclaimer about putting so much thought into the whole process, which I found hysterical.  Really she is saving me from making some mistakes she has already been though, so, input, input, input!  I’ll take what I can get.

Another bit of advice I have gotten is to never, ever eat on a first date.  Drinks or coffee only. That way if you are bored out of your mind or the guy is a tool, you can suck down your drink and get out, and again, run like hell!  Seems to be a common theme going here.  Escape routes.  Hmmm, food for thought.  Oh wait, I can’t eat. I would never have thought of this.  Again, I am so grateful for these people keeping me out of harms way. 

My next really important bit of advice, if not slightly strange and a little weird is the use of “grannie panties” and NO, yes ladies, NO shaving.  WHAT!  Seems a little backwards for a first date.  Should I not wear deodorant either?  Well, shower and wear deodorant, but if you put on the “that time of the month” underwear and don’t shave your legs, you won’t be letting those pants come off and regret it later.  Come on, are we so out of control of ourselves; we need to go to these extremes to ensure we keep our pants on?    Yup.   That’s all I have to say about that!

The last notable piece of advice that I have gotten is that when you are going to meet up for a first date, you don’t want to go anywhere where you will be seen by anyone you know.  This could become completely awkward and kill the mood if a bunch of your friends or people from high school were to walk in and see you on that very obvious first date.  I know my group of friends and can only imagine the things they would put me through. 

It’s not that I don’t get excited about a date or think about it. I guess I have just not looked at it like a game of Chess or Stratego.  Trying to navigate my way through without stepping on any bombs.  Now, relax and go have some fun!  Yeah, right. 

I do have to say, after meeting a couple of people out for drinks, I think I would much rather schedule something during the day that involved some sort of activity.  Getting coffee and walking around the city was one suggestion.  Although, I can see how the harsh MA winter would make that kind of tough.  I have had great conversations with these guys, but admit that I would have been a lot more comfortable and had more fun if we were actually doing something while trying to get to know each other better. 

I am changing the way I feel about dating.  No matter how much you despise games, that is what it is about.  For your own self-preservation, it needs to be.  With all the rules about scheduling, when and how often to call, questions of chemistry, and when to take the next step, it can be overwhelming, and for crying out loud, when is it okay to finally eat?  

Maintenance of a different sort

Over the past few months, I have had some really funny conversations with friends, family and co-workers that have been most informative and oh, if you could only be a fly on the wall.  Here are some of the highlights of conversations I never thought I would be having in places I would never have thought to have them. 

So it’s right around Thanksgiving, and I am out with some friends to celebrate.  Actually it was the same bar the ninety-year-old man just about accosted me in.  There was a group of us including one of my long-time childhood friends whom I am very comfortable with.  Standing room only, that’s okay, we were all hanging out having good conversation and laughing. 

I got my bracelet caught on my shirt and needed my friend to help me untangle it.  While untangling my bracelet, she looked at me and told me I needed a new bra.  Yup, just like that.  She then proceeded to start feeling me up in the middle of the bar telling me just what was wrong with the placement of the one I was wearing and physically showing me where I needed my boobs to be.  We attracted quite an audience, as you can imagine.  The guy sitting at the bar next to where we were standing told us that if I let her feel me up again, he would gladly give up his seats.  Seems like a fair trade to me.  Score!  My chest hadn’t had that much attention in a long time!

It seems like the bra topic just kept going from there.  The girls at work were talking about these fantastic new push-up bras at Target that could give you a black eye, and another friend took it upon herself to measure me right there in her condo.  Maybe I should have been a lesbian?  I got it girls!  Newly single = all new underthings!  I do have to say, that even when no one but me gets to see my new digs, I feel like I have a little secret going on under my “mom” clothes. 

Moving on, it’s not that I haven’t kept up with myself.  Please don’t get that idea.  Things really change over time.  For instance, let’s look at the whole bikini area shaping trend.  I had done the whole laser hair removal thing a few years back and loved it.  Not having had reason to have these conversations before now, I wasn’t up on all the latest trends.  Shapes, styles, and lengths?  Are we highlighting now too????  How about a giant arrow that says Down here!

Just when I think I am getting the hang of everything one of the girls at work was talking about a customer and her FMB’s.  What the hell are those?  Have I really been under a rock all these years?  I was embarrassed to ask, but my face must have said it all because she looked at me and said, “You don’t know what those are, do you?” Well, now that I am looking at dating again, FMB’s are on the must-have list with the push-up bra.   I don’t know if there are any of you out there like me but just for clarification, FMB’s are Fuck Me Boots.

I was all set and about to leave work to head home to get ready for my first date and go to grab my lipstick.  Now I get a lecture, again from the girls at work, that I need more than one lipstick and that actually I shouldn’t be wearing lipstick at all.  It’s all about the lip-gloss and having wet, kissable lips.  Seriously, I will tell you all later about my first date and how my kissable lip-gloss went to waste, but what would I do with out these girls?  Thank God I got a job when my husband left me!  Never mind learning Microsoft Office, there are more important things to be learned at work!

All of what I have to say is very tongue-in-cheek and said to make you laugh, but in all seriousness, it really is difficult to get back out there after living one life for so long.  I have met some wonderful people on this journey I am taking, who have been through very similar things and I wouldn’t have gotten through this the same without them.  When I look at where they are now, I am so hopeful.  All of them have come through as strong, vibrant, positive, successful women.  I think of this whenever things start to bring me down or I think I can’t do something.  I hope that someday, someone going through this will be inspired to fight on because of me.

Maintenance 101

So, finding yourself suddenly single after 15 years of marriage brings on more challenges than you would think.  Dating is probably the most obvious one.  But now, here I was, having gone from my parents’ house to a house with a husband and now all of a sudden I have all this house maintenance to deal with and things to fix.  I am not an idiot but have to admit that while having a man around I didn’t learn certain things.  Now all of a sudden, I feel like I am on a reality show like Survivor, with the world watching to see if I flop, and I am all alone to figure this stuff out. 

Things most people don’t think about and seem pretty simple, threw me for a loop.  Out one day my tire was low in my car and I realized I had never gone to the gas station and put air in a tire.  How did I get to my age and never do this?  How do I work the machine and will I look like an idiot there if I can’t figure it out?  Fortunately I did have a friend that came to show me and didn’t laugh too much, at least not to my face.  Who knows what he did when he got back in his truck and drove away.   I even learned how to operate my own air compressor.  It wasn’t difficult and I knew it wouldn’t be, but when you’ve never had to do something and you are suddenly thrust into it, it’s a bit intimidating. 

A Parenting Class Pick-up joint?

For those of you who have not gotten married yet, or are not divorced, there is a mandatory class out there, that if you have children, you must take before your divorce can become final.

 I do not want this to become a political blog so I will be brief on this subject, but it figures the state found a way to squeeze more money out of people.  Nothing like dangling that certificate in the face of someone who can’t wait to get rid of the jackass they made the mistake of committing to legally.    I didn’t need to take a parenting class when I got pregnant, but now on top of all of my lawyer fees and court fees, I need to pay $160 and spend 5 hours of my life I will not get back, listening to someone lecture me on how divorce will affect my children.  Yes, you genius, they are going through hell right now. 

I am a proud Geek

This morning I am proud to be a geek! Never thought that would be something I would say. I gave up going out on a Friday night to get up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday that I don’t have my boys, to go to school. Yup, I’m a geek. What on earth is happening to me lately?

I would like to thank my fellow geek friend for this. Supermom, thanks for keeping on me even when I was pushing back. It is cool to be a geek nowadays right? Oh well, like I said I never have done what I’m supposed to, just ask my mother.

Some profile etiquette ideas for men

So it seems I have struck somewhat of a nerve in the online dating experience for women. I know some men who have had their issues with it as well but until I get some to follow and comment on my blog, it’s going to the women.

So here goes girls, and my one guy. Hopefully you will have some company soon. Since Stella is fond of you I am guessing you probably didn’t do any of these things anyway.

Okay boys, listen up.

Cougar Hunters and Booty Calls

Well, now here is an interesting one. I figure that if a girl can blog about cooking all of the recipes in Julia Child’s cookbook and have it become a best seller and a movie, surely people will want to read about dating, sex and the infamous Booty call.

Just to make myself clear in the beginning, I am not against sex. Quite the opposite actually. I also don’t believe at this point in my life I need to be in a serious long-term relationship to have sex. There I said it. I like sex. I just need and ask for some basic respect. Is that really too much to ask? Don’t call me at 3AM when you have left a bar by yourself and are so drunk you can’t perform anyway.

Picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting back out there

Okay then, how does one begin dating nowadays? I think I am ready for this. I am open to meeting people, am still fairly young, I think. Can that much have changed in 15 years? UH, YEAH! Okay, online dating, Google searches, tax returns, physical forms, my high school and college transcripts, texting, and what the hell is up with “winking?”

The last time I had a first date, I was 19. That doesn’t really seem to compute as a big deal for anyone but me. I would tell people this and their reaction was, that’s not so bad. Well, here it is. I started telling people a couple of facts about the time difference and suddenly their eyes were bugging out of their heads. The last time I went on a date I was almost exactly one half my age. The last time I went on a date, no one I knew had a cell phone. Well, okay, my dad did have that cool bag phone, but I don’t count that, and no one had Internet, never mind e-mail. Crazy huh?

An introduction to my wonderful crazy life

Sitting , watching tv last night, I heard the statement that best describes my life right now.  “Come on, if you don’t laugh, it just sounds mean.”  This, from Barney on one of my favorite sitcoms, How I Met Your Mother.   This is my new mantra. 

This blog was originally suggested by my sister who has been extraordinarily patient with me in listening to all of my stories on the phone.  When I repeated this blog idea to a couple of friends, they all suggested I go for it and one friend set up my blog site while I was still on the phone with her! Thanks Katie!  !

Welcome to my blog!

Inspired by my sister, I've decided to share my stories via blog. If I can find humor in it alI, hope you can too.