Match or no Match

I have come to the end of my subscription to Match.com and need to decide whether or not I want to continue the insanity.  It has certainly been an interesting couple of months with it.  I have been on a handful of dates, had some really bizarre people contact me, and learned a lot about myself and what it is I want.  So, as I sit here contemplating entering in my credit card for another 3 months, I find myself thinking, if not online, where does one meet someone these days?

In the time I have been on my own, I have only met one person I did not already know and that was through a friend.  Work is no help.  I work with a bunch of females and in a women’s clothing store so any guys coming in are either with someone or buying for that someone.  I have never met anyone in a bar, and have been told I am completely unapproachable at the gym!

So, I started doing a little research of my own.  If any of you doubt what I found and am writing about and feel like a good laugh, I suggest you start by Googling “where and how to meet men.”  That’s where I started, and oh, the places you’ll go!!!!  Next, I turned to Cosmo at the nail salon. Then I actually got some input from some of the men I know including one guy I met on Match (Okay, just so you don’t think I am a complete social retard, I did not ask him where to meet a guy; he brought up some of the topics in conversation).  It was a bit weird actually because I had just been looking at some of the Internet info and talked to him on the phone shortly after and he mentioned all the things he has heard about how to meet women and I swear he looked at the same website!

So let’s get to it then, and review some of these insane things.  No wonder people are having such a hard time and these Internet dating sites can charge so much.  I cannot see myself taking up any one of these suggestions, and would love to hear if any of you have ever tried them or if they have ever worked. 

First bit of advice I stumbled upon; rent a fancy sports car and “cruise.”  Are you serious?  This is like the guy who says he is athletic and toned on Match and has a Buddha belly when you meet him.  What happens if you do meet a guy and then he finds out it’s not your car, that you really drive a minivan?  We are starting out lying now and that’s good advice?????  Also, I don’t want a to meet a guy that wants to fuck my car, I want him to be into me.  If I need to dress it up that much, thanks but no thanks. 

Second, pace the frozen food section at the grocery store.  Really?  Now I have to make like I can’t cook and I am a complete bimbo and need help picking out frozen pizza?  I’m sorry, I don’t know when the hot, single men grocery shop, but I must not be going at the right times.  Can someone let me in on when I should be grocery shopping?  The people I see there I don’t want even looking at me.  I am not taking time to stop and ask your thoughts on anything!  Not to mention the fact that if the guy is loading up on frozen food, he’s probably not my type.   Sorry.

Next, wander Home Depot looking helpless and lost.  Again, is the only way to meet a man to look like a brainless idiot?  As girls, I feel like we can’t win.  They say guys want a mental challenge but to first meet him, act like a ditz.  I wonder about the logistics of this one too.  If I go to Home Depot like I usually do, in the middle of a house or yard project, believe me, no one is going to want to ask me out.  If I get all dolled up to strut up and down the aisles, I will stand out like a sore thumb and look like a fool, and again, no one will want to ask me out. 

Moving on, take your dog to the dog park.  Okay, I don’t have too much to say about this one.  I haven’t been to a dog park but it’s probably the only one I could see actually working if it hadn’t been for the fact that the author of the article suggested if you don’t own a dog, borrow one.  Again the lies…

Last and by no means least is the gym.  I saved this one for last because this one struck a nerve with me as I have had personal experience with it.  This one came up in an article in Cosmo written by a personal trainer.  I can barely type, I am laughing so hard at the absurdity of this.  This is pretty detailed, multi-step advice, so pay attention girls!  Step one, don’t work out!  No, really, I am serious.  It actually said, don’t run, or workout too heavily on the weights.  You should just meander about the gym looking cute and look like you are supposed to be doing something, making it apparent that you are open to conversation. (I don’t know about you, but I don’t have 5 hours to sit around and look open)  When you find someone you might be interested in, ask him to teach you how to work one of the machines.  For Christ sake, do not even approach the free weights!  Your dating life would be over!  Also, don’t sweat, and do not listen to an IPod.

Okay, that’s why I haven’t met anyone at my gym.  Not even other women.  I guess I have been breaking every rule written.  Why don’t they just post these rules in the women’s locker room?  Because they are so fucking stupid, that’s why!

I actually do have a friend who was my personal trainer a while back and who actually suggested some of these things to me and told me I was unapproachable.  I could not believe this at first.  He basically told me I was intimidating and looked like I did not want anyone to talk to me.  I don’t see this in me but am taking the constructive criticism and thinking about it.  What was I doing so wrong?  Well, if you can believe my audacity, I was not only running and sweating, but also listening to my iPod all at once!  I am going to be an old maid!!!! 

I’m sorry, but I flat out refuse to change my gym workout to meet a man.  This brings me full circle and back to Match.  Plugging in the credit card number for another three months as we speak.  I have met a couple nice guys, am going on a second date with one of them this weekend, and am learning to take the crazies as comic relief.  The alternative to online dating at this point seems pretty depressing…

Decoding mixed signals

Do you have any idea on how many books are written for women on dating do’s and don’ts?  Neither do I actually.  Although, with a little time I am sure Supermom could figure it out!  These people are making a fortune!  What are we all doing so wrong, and what of all the conflicting advice, or is this some crazy marketing scheme to keep us all buying?  Ladies, if you are purchasing these materials, I suggest some stock in Barnes and Noble. 

A little bit ago, I spent the most wonderfully lazy Saturday with a good friend of mine.  I need to give her a really good “alter ego” name because I reference her quite often in my blogs.  She is someone I have known almost my whole life, whose advice I truly value if sometimes only for the comedic value!  Anyhow, we had such a nice day just hanging around, drinking coffee and talking. It was during one of these conversations that I expressed my frustration in not being able to understand all the conflicting signals I had been getting from some guys I had been seeing. 

She had quite a bit to say on this subject. After a minute or two she went into her office and came out with “reference” material on the subject. 

The Reference Guide is a very in depth analysis on the subject matter with plenty of “research” and case study test data to back up the findings put forth in the book.  I would recommend this as a required tool to anyone in the dating community.  This book was so successful in breaking down the subject matter; it was made into a movie titled “He’s Just Not That into You”.

I had seen this movie a while back and thought it was cute and funny.  I believed the women portrayed in it a little overdone.  Come on, do women really act this ridiculous or are they overdramatizing common dating mistakes to make a point and sell the movie?  While I don’t think I have gone to the extreme of some of the characters in the film, I have to admit, I am confused by all conflicting signals I have gotten and have been that girl looking at my phone wondering.  Ugh!  Yeah, hard to admit, but I am sure I am not alone.  Anyway, as I accepted the book from my friend with a smile, I was secretly thinking, “How the hell is this supposed to help me?” 

Holy shit!  It’s my new bible!  I have referred back to this book so many times I think I may need to buy my friend a new copy!  While I don’t think I quite fit the description of some of the sad, pathetic girls shown in the book, I have learned quite a bit and am getting really good at walking away.  Because really, I don’t care what shit you have going on in your head, if you can’t be bothered, why should I spend another second?  He’s just not into me.  And you know what, that’s okay.  It’s certainly better than carrying on and investing more time to find this same info out three months from now.  I am single, out there, and pretty fucking cool if I do say so myself, so moving on.  Someone out there is bound to appreciate my awesomeness.   (I did say I liked Barney from How I Met your Mother.)   Until then, I have great friends to annoy and so much material for this blog. 

Really though, it does help.  For now, I am having some fun reading and “doing research” ;) 

I still don’t understand sometimes why a guy will ask me to go out again, just to blow me off.  He could very easily just say, “Hey this was fun, see you later.”  Don’t ask me what my schedule is and if we can do this again next week.  Whatever, the change has been in me.  Now, instead of wondering what the heck happened, I just think, well, he’s just not into me.  He’s clearing the path and getting out of the way for someone who is.  So, for what it’s worth, thanks!

Temper tantrums and time-outs

Ever notice sometimes that the basic rules we were taught (or most of us were taught) about being polite and courteous are no longer recognized by some adults? Ever notice some adults act like the toddlers we see throwing temper tantrums in the candy aisle when their mom says, “No Johnny, you can’t have the Swedish Fish today.”

Let’s review a few of the rules I use in my house, shall we?

1.  If you do not have something nice to say, keep your mouth shut.
2.  Everyone is entitled to have a bad day. It’s not ok to take it out on those around you.
3. Words are powerful and they can hurt. You can’t “unsay” them or take them back.
4. If you feel like having a “temper tantrum”, go nuts, but go to your room and have it out all you want.  The rest of us should not have to deal with it.  Come back down when you have gotten it all out of your system.

Recently, as I have been getting out more, I’ve become more aware of how people treat each other and how they treat themselves.  For the last 15 years I have tried to teach my kids to be courteous and considerate to those around them, and mindful of the feelings of others.   I have recently encountered a few adults who were absent the day in their childhood that this was taught.  I notice it when my son will hold a door for an adult that doesn’t say thank you.  You bet your ass if the roles were reversed, that adult would comment on how rude my son was.  I notice it with people in power positions or in someone positioning themselves for power and control.  Its kind of like dealing with little Johnny who wants the Swedish Fish now and to be honest it’s very annoying.

I’m one of those people that will usually take a lot and let it roll off my back, but have noticed lately more adult Johnny’s then I’d like to, and admit it’s starting to wear me thin. I am sometimes hurt, or upset, but it takes quite a bit to make me mad or angry.  A lot of times I just see things as not worth the effort or aggravation, other times I know an argument is futile, or I feel it is really about the other person and not so much about me.  I don’t like confrontation; that is true.  When in these situations I will usually ask myself, what do I want to get out of this? If I put the energy into confronting someone I feel has wronged me in some way, will my confrontation get the desired effect I am looking for. 

For many years, I was trained to not “air the dirty laundry”, never make a scene, and always be pleasant.  Do you know what happens to those people?  They get walked on and used as a doormat.  The more time that goes by lately, the more I realize this is what I was.  It’s part of the reason I am going through what I am now.  I have wanted to change this part of myself, but it’s not like I can just wiggle my nose and make it happen.

What at first appeared to be a negative change in my life has actually given me so much to look forward to.  Yes, it can be sad and frustrating sometimes but I think of all the positive, wonderful people I have met and things that are happening right now and I don’t have the time or the energy for the rest of it.  The more I go through and the more I accomplish, the stronger and more confident I feel.  I am feeling very different and I think the people closest to me are starting to see the effects of this, but I am frustrated now about the way I am still treated by some.  You see, they have always treated me this way and gotten away with it, the difference now being that I now I see it for what it is and have a problem with it.  I recognized my change in attitude today when verbally attacked by someone I know.  It’s not the first time, it happens quite a bit with this person.  I have always just blown it off as that’s just her and she can’t handle things when stressed.  I tell myself not to take it personally.  Well, you know what, it is personal. 

So how did I deal with it? First, I did a very rough draft of this blog, while angry and sent it to a friend.  Normally, I won’t engage and I didn’t, but my good friend who still has little ones reminded me of a book that became invaluable to me when my kids were little.  1, 2, 3 Magic!  I am basically using the very same method and some good old-fashioned ignoring (silence is probably the most powerful tool) to deal with some of these pampered, overindulged adults.

So, a shout out to those who think they can dump when they are having a bad day.  Find someone else, or go get some help for your bi-polar disorder! I myself am over the temper tantrums. I didn’t engage in them when my kids were little and I am certainly not going to start now.  The new me is all about strength, confidence and empowerment and it’s amazing what three words can do to your attitude and constitution.

Please don’t take my silence as a sign I will just take it or that this is okay and we are good.  Unlike some people I will not blow up at you or rant and rave or throw things.  I will however make the decision that you and your episodes are not worth my time or energy.  I am only letting in the positive from life these days.  The negative will not be allowed but watch out as I may use it as material for this blog.  Life is too short and you don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  Your words and actions can have a serious impact on those around you, whether you mean it or not. 

First date fiasco

Back in the game folks, here’s a recap of My “First” First Date

Someone “Upstairs” is sitting, eating popcorn, and laughing their ass off right now. If I make it to heaven, I am coming after you! 

Okay, so it’s time to talk about my first date.  I had met a guy on Match that made it all the way to the phone call stage (that’s a big step for me). I really enjoyed talking with him so we decided to meet for drinks.  Just drinks, no dinner, remember?  It was also a Thursday. He must have read the same book as my girlfriend who sat me down and gave me the all-important first date rules. 

Anyway, I was really excited to meet him and had to work that day.  The girls at work were so funny.  I got drilled and received lots of opinions about my outfit, underwear, what to eat and drink, whether to kiss or not, and of course, my lipstick lecture.  By the time I left work, I felt pretty sure I had it all down and was ready for anything. 

Ha!  They don’t know me.  One thing this guy and I hadn’t talked about or shared with each other was our last names.  I figured we would over drinks.  It didn’t worry me too much.  About 400 people knew where I was going to be and were ready to bail me out via text if he was a freak.  He wasn’t. 

He got to the bar early to ensure that we got a seat, but told me not to rush.  He then sent me a text to ask what I would like to drink so he could have one waiting for me when I arrived.  How sweet.  When I walked in I have to say he looked exactly like his picture.  Not bad.  No OMG! or anything, but I wasn’t expecting that. 

We fell easily into conversation and I was really enjoying myself, thinking my friends don’t know a fig about first dates and that all these rules are stupid.   It must have been going well, because I had already eaten, but he said he hadn’t and that we had to order food.  So, he wasn’t running away.  Good sign. 

We were discussing online dating and how crazy it can be and he mentioned how Google search had been helpful to him with this.  I laughed and said, yes, it helps if you know the person’s last name.  He laughed and told me his last name and then… I made the fatal mistake of telling him mine.

No lie.  I tell this guy my last name… before I go on, for sake of privacy, I’ve changed my last name to Jameson. You know, I am starting to think every girl should have a really good alter-ego porn star name. 

Anyway he looks at me and says, “Jameson”?  I know a Jameson.  He’s been my accountant for about 25 years.  He does my father’s taxes, my mother’s, my sister’s, my business, my ex’s (you get the point).  His name is Meathead.  Is that one of your cousins?” 

At this point, I believed that I heard all of that wrong.  I must have, so I look at him and say “Meathead, from ……” 

He says, ”Yeah.” 

I am moving in slow motion now and put down my wine, turn to him and say, “nope, not a cousin, Jameson is my married name, Meathead is my ex brother-in-law.” 

That folks, was my first date.  What are the odds?  I am trying to figure this out.  How many men are on Match, and how did I find the one who knows my ex’s family, and well at that. Come on!!!  Give me a break!  They are from complete opposite sides of the state!

We did laugh and hang out for a while.  He did quite a good Meathead impression and while he told me he was not going to fire his accountant, he did say he wanted to see me again.  Big surprise, he hasn’t called. 

Back to Match, and this time I am getting a last name and CORI check before I go on a date.  Oh yes, and you know the thing about the seven degrees to Kevin Bacon?  I am doing that too!

More than just my groceries

Because Sometimes You will hit a Speed bump going too fast

I have found a great therapy for singles out there who sometimes get frustrated or a little down about their situation.  To top it off, it’s completely free!

GO GROCERY SHOPPING!  Yes, you did read this right.  Just hear me out.  I have been getting a lot of very good advice lately about how to get back out there and what to do, but this is something that I can speak about with good understanding.

I was recently having one of those “feeling sorry for myself” weekends.  I won’t go into the details because they are really not important but I was living it up at the pity party.  As good as I have been doing over the past few months, every now and again I hit a bump in the road and this was one of them.

Anyway, I don’t usually hit the grocery store on the weekends.  I will try to avoid it like the plague.  All those people, the rude elderly ones especially, and the screaming kids? No thanks.   However, I knew I had a busy week ahead of me and it needed to be done. 

Well, within 5 minutes in the store, I believe it was in aisle 4; I got the best therapy I have received to this day.  As I was navigating my way down the aisle, I encountered a husband and wife having a VERY public argument.  I know, I shouldn’t benefit from their misery, but these public displays are one of my pet peeves.  I don’t want to get too far off topic, but if you are going to do this type of thing out in public and make everyone around you uncomfortable, it’s your own damn fault. 

Back to the therapy session.   Seriously, the husband wanted to buy some chips.  The wife said the kids would eat the chips too quickly and they would be gone.  The husband told the wife that she should just control and monitor the portions the kids eat.  Well, as you might expect, it went WAY downhill from there. 

At this point, I was grinning from ear to ear and had my cell phone out to call a friend.  Laughing out loud, I told her why that was the best therapy I could get.  You see, as much as I don’t really like being alone sometimes, you couldn’t pay me to go back to that!!!!!!

Her advice to me……Take a trip to Home Depot.  The marital spats there are even more entertaining!